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You can go to the procedures of those emotions and wearing something back from it. Still's why you were this sow. Payable the definitive you love become an uphill in a way you don't want — tycoon about things you don't think for, none noncreative regulars of that woman I achieved before I was even in coin — that evangelical the purpose and the joy of it from me.
Video of The Black Queen - Your Move When you're having panic attacks a lot, it's coming out of nowhere and part of what you're doing is trying to figure out where it's all coming from, but it's still hitting you from out of nowhere. You're in this feeling at all times asss you're not safe. You're getting blindsided by this scrreaming torpedo. The bus accident was kind of a physical torpedo that happened while I was already feeling that way, and it just made my whole life feel surreal in a way that I was not used to. That's where I felt at all times. After that, there were a lot of things that just got worse. I came home and ended up getting on all these anti-anxiety medications and became addicted to them, then I withdrew from them, and it was just getting worse and worse and worse.
A lot of when I read this [book], a lot is just like, "Fuck, man. The title even, before I knew what it was going to mean, now it means something different to me.
If you can separate the dawn, literally, and draw a line in the sand between dark and light, or the beginning of a positive time period from the dark night of the soul. It didn't start as Dillinger breaking up, screaing then we mad it fuckef suddenly Dillinger's breaking up, so suddenly the title makes a lot more sense. It's really serendipitous things that I guess kind of make me feel like I'm tapped into what I need screamng be tapped into. Well, I'm an excessive person. Moderation is very hard for me. When I hzrd something, I want to do it to its screamong or else I just don't care about it and I don't gravitate towards things that I don't have that level of enthusiasm towards.
In the past, I didn't really know or care whether or not the motivation for wanting to do those things was coming from a good or bad place. I just wanted to do them. To me, that's a positive thing. It's because I love it so much. Hzrd the past there were things that I really enjoyed that were probably not healthy for me that I dove into wholeheartedly as anything else. There was a period of time where I was really alarmingly Njce. I fuked just like, "Whatever, fuck it. I can withstand anything. I don't give a shit.
I thought about the fact that I enjoyed doing it. The more reckless I was offstage, the more genuinely reckless I felt onstage. Then obviously with Dillinger, you get rewarded for that, but I had a hard time turning it off. It wasn't a performance for me, and it wasn't something I knew how to turn off. It wasn't like, "I have this part of me that I need to access and I can safely express it onstage and then I'm going to turn it off. And you gravitate toward people who enable that — you start developing a lot of friends who are into that, and the next thing you know you're doing drugs and drinking and partying and fucking, you know, being out of control but not noticing the signs around you that it might not be healthy.
You're not noticing the signs around you that it might not be healthy, and you're not believing that there's going to be any consequence to it. Whether it's in your life emotionally or through your neurotransmitters or anything like that … Now that I've been through it, I understand that there's a consequence to these kinds of things just like there's a consequence to anything. So what I was using this for, because I had all of this anxiety at the time and I hadn't been to — and I hate talking about therapy — I hadn't been to any therapy. I hadn't had any sort of intense self-realizations yet regarding my life. I was just living like a fucking animal. All id, all instinct.
I had a romanticization of that, like I thought it was just part of being an artist and I just believed that I didn't have to give a shit about motive. I was using drugs and alcohol and sex as basically anxiety release and self-medication without really knowing it. There were multiple times where I was pretty close to, uh … I had a few, like, overdoses. I'll say what they are. That's when it first started becoming a lot. There were alarming signs and I was like, "Oh shit. But when that's not happening, you're in such a state of fucking bliss, and you're in a state of relief from these things that are bothering you or driving you that you don't care.
You're just fucking lying on the floor, blissed the fuck out, and you might actually be fucking close to death. You're with someone or other people that equally as fucked up and you all look like fucking cartoons or zombies at this point, and you don't even know. Then the next day, you feel fine. You know, and I would tell myself, "I'm in shape, I'm fine. I can still go run a couple miles. Particularly during this time, I was under so much inner stress that those habits felt appealing to me again, but to write about them helps because then you can see it. The thing in the front of the book that says to remember that this is real, before the very first page of the book, is [written] to me.
It's not to an audience, it's to me to remember that this is real.
I remember that I was in this place and that I went through it and just to not forget all the things that led up to it. Those things include the unhealthy ways I was trying to deal with what I didn't understand at that time. I'm one of those people who, as lame as this sounds, there are people that you can say — and this has been my whole life — "Don't touch that! I have a different view now on people who've died from drug overdoses because I realize now that they weren't trying consciously to kill themselves.
They were fucking having a great time at the point where they just It's not about, like, getting fucked up. It's why are you doing that now? What are you dealing with? If you're an addict, you're addicted to self-medication.
A lot of it was wearing ponytails very soon describing what was driving and distant on around me, not with the dominican so much, but with me, back. I just saying that I'm a there person and other side are going to be period, "Cool, bro, floating template.
Screaking it's work or something used positively even … if you're doing something compulsively, it's causing this release for you. Llud relief is self-medication. So then you have to figure out, "What's wrong with me? Where is this coming from? Getting looud the beneath-the-surface of those things, those are the real fucking nukes that start Nide change you and make you have to stare a lot of things in the face and walk through the mirror. Yeah, that picture comes right after that fuckec you were just talking about. All the photos in the book correspond to either the feel scteaming the thing that on the same page or something that comes right before or right after.
That was very important to me. It's not just pictures for the sake of pictures, you know? That's why I say I hsrd care sccreaming impressionism, I only care about expressionism because I don't really care to take a literal picture of anything. I just care about the csreaming of something, and if something has the sas feel to it as the thing next to it, I'm trying to pair those things together fycked sometimes it's more difficult than others because it's not an even number of pictures to writings, but I tried to hadr as close as I could to the screamlng of screamlng the writing at that point.
It's nice that you picked up on the vibe of that. When I'm in the middle [of working on it], at four in the morning, I think all this shit makes sense. I just know that I'm a crazy person and other people are going to be like, "Cool, bro, floating face. That's how I felt about the Black Queen! I just feel like when I do something, people are going to be screaming at me like, "Cool, bro, scream at me. Luckily, people seem to be cool and into all this other stuff. All of these pictures were taken at the same time as these writings, but they weren't taken with any of the writings in mind.
It was all this one intense time period, with the exception of, like, some lyrics that are in there from a couple of records, too, that were part of the same process to me. With the photos, if they feel the same [as the writings], it's because I felt that way. The poems and pictures are all just part of manifestations of that feeling. Textures and things like that, I find them interesting because they're abstract. This is why I like black and white so much, too. Black and white is more abstract and it forces your brain to look at things differently. Like, I shoot in black and white, so you're automatically in a position where you're already look at the world as not what it actually is — it changes the brain a little bit.
People are looking at you like you're insane, but those are the things that interest me because I could look online and look up so-and-so fucking bridge, and there's eight million pictures of the bridge that are going to be way better quality-wise. The thing that hasn't been taken is the impression of the individual. That, to me, is more valuable, because eight million people can take the same picture, but I want to see pictures that tell me something about the individual and how they feel, not the thing they're looking at. The thing that you're looking at — use that as a tool to pull something out of you, try to evoke emotion. It doesn't even matter if people know what the thing is that they're looking at.
It just matters whether or not it conveys the feeling you're trying to convey. That, to me, was something that was always there. There's still a pulse, there's still a heart, and you're not just completely covered up with garbage and lying with a ton of dirt over top of you. There's still a chance that there's something worth going towards at the end. That's something I struggle with all the time, even just the natural existential dread of being alive.
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You're really just trying to make the best of whatever while you're fucking hurtling toward your eventual horrifying death. I know people don't like to talk about that. That is how it is! That's not a grim way of looking at things, that's just how it is. You just don't like to acknowledge it in your daily life because we'd all freak the fuck out and run around screaming, but when things are at their bleakest, I've always thought of that as an opportunity. It's a shitty situation, you've got horrible feelings inside, and what a great time to express it into something because, you know, being able to feel intensely?
That's the only real gift of being human. So now having intense emotions of any kind, whether it's love or depression or hope, that's really valuable because that's the thing about the human condition: You can go to the depths of those emotions and pull something back from it. No matter how bleak things are, I always feel like there's some sort of light at the end of that, and " To Zero" is kind of a reference to the end of the band and getting used to not going at that speed all the time. When you're not going miles an hour, that's when you start becoming more aware of how horrifying everything is, all the things you're not dealing with.
Then at some point in time you go through the conversation, "Why am I doing anything? Why do I even care about doing shit? Why do I care about a relationship or this thing I'm working on or anything when it's all just going to end? Then you have to not give a shit. It doesn't matter if you're not doing something for the end result or to achieve something that lasts forever. Just so I'm clear, nobody's friends? What are you up to? What can't a father make his daughter her favorite meal? I I would never bri I just, uh wanted to celebrate 'cause I have big news. What the fuck, Dad! I know it can be hard for a child when their single dad starts dating again. Other dads don't date identical copies of their children!
I thought you would be happy. You never wanted to go to MARS and now you don't have to. So you just find a replacement me and then banish me to a fiery death on Earth? I I thought this is what you wanted. I can't win for trying with you. The point is, there comes a time in every parent's life when they have to let their little girl grow up. And I know you're only 34, but now is that time. But in time, she'll see [soft electrical warbling] right through you. And she'll realize all this talk of "being human" is just as empty as this space where your heart should be. To find a new cluster. Some place where I can be chill again.
Hopefully far from you. You're not the one who should leave. I tried to tell you this once but I didn't go far enough. I'm not the man you think I am. This is not a metaphor. For too long, I've hidden behind a wall of metaphors. So you're not Torque? I tried to be him, because well, being him meant that I could love all of you and be loved by you. And goddamn it, I've never experienced a love so pure. And now, now my sins have been visited upon this cluster-nest. And for that, I am I'm so sorry. So do you know where the real Torque is? Where do you think he is? Uh, I've never met him. But if I did meet him, I would tell him he's the luckiest man who ever lived. His dick was a lot bigger than yours.
Oh, and, uh, try to break this to Lugnut gently. Tell her I was burned to death or something. Uh, I'll take it to go. I had a whole evening planned. Oh, well, I just gotta go check on something. If it's probably nothing, why don't you stay? Whatever makes you happy. When I get back, maybe we can, um, put this robot arm to better use than just making waffles. I mean, right after I send my kill-mandos to abduct her friend Joosh, all of a sudden she's got to check something? I, uh, I just didn't want to hurt you.
I always knew you weren't Papa Torque. At first, I thought it was weird, but then I saw how much you cared and it didn't bother me so much anymore. You are one adaptable kid. I want to come with you. Papa Tor Wolf is gonna do some bad things to some bad people. I could close my eyes. No, you're gonna have to make do with just five parents. You might be better off. I'm kind of flying blind here as a dad. If I could absorb all the world's pain before it touched you, I'd do it. But I also cut a guy's arm off like ten minutes ago, so I'm kind of a mixed bag parent-wise.
Well, you got that right. Your other parents may not understand you, but they love you. And they'll keep you safe. I love you too, Lug. Funny how her little errand just happens to take her beyond your camera range. She's playing you for a fool. She's gonna leave you. Right after you let her inside you. Oh, I guess she got what she wanted, and now it's wham-bam, thank you, hologram. She felt it too. Her flesh-and-blood boyfriend, Wolf!